In That Number

Malaiah’s Story

I grew up in the Seventh Ward with my little brother and my big brother. I was the only girl. I kinda liked it cause, you know, you get an advantage for being the only girl. On top of that my momma made it possible that my life was pretty good growing up. But my big brother has been incarcerated for almost ten years so it’s just been me and my little brother for a while, you know. Then when I was 19 I ended up going to jail. I was there for 18 months. All in all, my experience in the criminal justice system was scary.

When I first found out I would be going to jail I think I was shocked. I went numb because my mom’s boyfriend had passed away that morning at 4 o’clock and then I went to court and went to jail at 9am. So that felt like I just left her. It didn’t really sink in until probably after about six months in. My court date just kept getting set back and set back. Eventually, my lawyer came and just talked to me like, “It’s gonna be a wait.” So, I just had to, not adapt, but I had to adapt to an extent because if I didn’t I would have went crazy. I would have just went crazy waking up every day, like “I’m in jail.”

My advice to people that work in the criminal justice system, put yourself in our shoes. Really think about the big picture. I feel like you’re probably just so into your job and that’s just what you do, so you’re just about the law. It feels like it’s not about what’s right for you; it’s just the law. To me, you could do better.

One thing I will say is that being in jail gave me a minute to sit down. So I look at it as everything happens for a reason. I feel like if I didn't go through that I probably wouldn't be the woman that I am right now. The mindset that I have now is not the mindset that I had before. So it did affect me in a positive way, but I can’t say the experience was positive. Honestly, I think it really gave me PTSD and anxiety. Because I’d never been to jail before and it was a big type of trauma.

To deal with my stress I sing. Anything. Everything. R&B, gospel, pop - anything. I just sing any song that comes to my mind. I could be in there making my own songs with beats, jamming to it, too. That’s what everybody knew me for. When the girls that are still in jail call my phone sometimes they ask me to sing and stuff when I’m on the phone. I still talk to a couple of the females back there. My best friend’s in there. I don’t forget about it just because I’m home.

As far as like new relationships, friendships, or, whatever, I don’t really like to get into detail about what happened. I can’t do that. I’d be scared to get into detail to somebody that I’m trying to get close with as we get to know each other. You don’t know how somebody is going to look at you after that. I don’t want them to look at me different.

Now that I’m home I’m a part of The Welcoming Project. I signed up for it when I was in the Travis Hill School before it was time for me to be released so I could have re-entry already established. What I like most is the support system. They make me feel very comfortable. I know they are there for me when I need them, to help me with opportunities and all types of stuff. It also has a strong impact on me because it’s a lot of women in the Welcoming Project and they’re so strong. I look at that. I look at how much support they give to us.

If my best friend were about to go to jail, what would I really say? All I could say right then and there, is “I got you.” Cause that’s what you’re going to need to know. If you’re going in there, you’re not depending on just yourself no more. Just know that I got you and if you keep that in your mind, you’ll be alright. But if you ain’t got nobody in there, I feel bad for, you know...yeah.