I always felt like one person, but my environment didn't permit that.
When I was 17, I started my transition from male to female. But my family didn't agree with that, especially the person most important to me at the time, my grandmother.
My mom was always working and going to school so when I was 15 I moved in with my grandmother. She used to be my best friend. I was always there for her. We split rent and raised our family together. When our family didn't support her for being a lesbian or when she was on drugs, I was there. But when I needed her, she wasn't there for me. She wasn't rocking with me how I needed her to be. I vented to her about a lot of things, and she told my business. I'm about loyalty, so if you cut me deep, if you betray me, I'm done with you. Since she did, I moved out on my own at age 17.
Away from home was a different story. In high school, honey, I cut classes...I did all kinds of things! I was going through so much at home, so when I went to school, I was this persona...this character! Everyone loved me and I was really popular. I was the life of the party! And my clique, you'd think we were on some kind of TV show or something, we were so catty. My grades were good, but I don't know how because I don't remember doing no homework. I really got by on socializing.
But all of that persona didn't change the fact that my family didn't support me. Only one person was genuine with me, my mother's mother. She's the only one I'm cool with. My father, he didn't support me. My mom, she was in denial, as was my grandmother. And I felt that everyone around me already kind of knew that this was gonna happen, because you could look at me and you could really tell. To be honest, I don't think any of them truly would support me, really truly from their hearts. A lot of people pretend, but I know when someone is being genuine or not.
So I would lean on my friends. I made my own family. I was like OK, y'all ain't rocking with me, then I'ma go over there and rock with them. I didn't trust no one, but I had my clique, and I had one teacher who was truly an angel sent to me, like a godmother. I still talk to her to this day. She really got me and she loved me. I've slept at her house before, she stood up for me, she was the one I could talk to about anything, and she never once told any of my secrets. Then my clique, I would talk to them and open up about everything because we walked similar paths so they felt my pain and would tell me the truth, not just what I wanted to hear.
We also went out and partied every single day. We were never inside.
And Monday again!
I was really on my own then and it was definitely a big escape. Then sometimes you get introduced to drugs and you just kinda numb the pain and you feel like you got people around you who are doing the same thing, so they can relate. So you just try to have a good time until your high goes away. But then, whatcha got? I ended up dropping out of Delgado Community College because I wasn't ready. I wanted to dip it and do it and I wasn't ready for all of that change and responsibility. So when my friends were like come on, let's get out, it was easy for me to be like yeah, sure. Because I still wanted to be numb. I didn't want to deal with the real world and I wanted to stay in my fantasy world because that's how I dealt with my pain.
Dropping out of Delgado is something I'm paying for now. That's something I really did wrong, even though I know I wasn't ready. Now I try to be a positive influence to other girls coming up and I give advice because I wish I'd had that back then. Like now I tell other girls to not get wrapped up in the night lifestyle and to control their habit. Because it seems everyone has some type of habit, so you have to control it and not let it control you. I didn't have any influences like that. Most people were on drugs or homeless or prostitutes, and I couldn't look to them because that's not my life. On the other side, someone famous like Caitlyn, I think what she's doing is cool, but she didn't grow up how I came up. She didn't come out and start transitioning at 17. I'm 25 now. I can't look up to someone who hasn't walked in my shoes and she's just at the tip of the iceberg. I'm not hating on that, it's just the truth. So who was there for me to learn from?
With my family, I'm still not ready. I'm hurt. But they can't take it that I'm over here and don't need their approval, so now they want me to come to family functions and they call me all the time and stuff.
Do they think I can just ignore all the years of hurting and pain?
So from them I need more honesty, accountability, and sincerity before I can start to trust them. I've really tried to be cool with them (even though some still look down on me), but it wasn't genuine on my part and I don't like to be phony. I just can't do it. So I have this wall up from all the hurt. It's me, myself, and the family I made at this point. To be honest, it really doesn't need to be like that, but I'm used to being alone, and that's a bad thing. You know it really is a bad thing.